Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
