i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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