I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
