hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.