I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy