Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
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So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises