Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
