You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
