half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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