scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
