Jerry, you need to find god
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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