just come out here and I will go home with you...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
