we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
