If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
