True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
