when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
