Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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