you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
