I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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