who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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