oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
