I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
