just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
