my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
