I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
