I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
