Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
