So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
