Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
bring money and cleavage
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
