i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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