my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
