just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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