I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
