There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
