Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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