I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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