Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
