I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
