Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
