Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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