Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
