does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
