the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
