Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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