I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
