Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
