Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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