Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
