The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dicks are not precious.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
