I wish I could teleport
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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