just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
