I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
