I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Couch. On fire.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
