yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
