Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
