I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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