Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
