last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
