I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
