she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
