Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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