my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
