Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
