I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
