Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
